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I haven't seen a spider in the house in days.WHAT THE F*CK ARE THEY PLANNING? 
I just got kicked out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table
If a girl's profile pic is a cropped close-up of the face, she is a porker.
told that my Grandfather would never throw anything away! Not even that hand grenade he was holding just before he died.
Finally, a funeral the Westboro Baptist Church can protest and no one will care about it...
✓ Adolf Hitler, ✓ Saddam Hussein, ✓ Osama Bin Laden, ☐ JUSTIN BIEBER
what do you call a Chinese man with one leg ? Tye wun shu.
If a girl says she's different from other girls 7 times out of 10 she's a transvestite...
Now that Al-Qaida has officially declared that they will revenge Osama's death, can we see the goddamn pictures coz we already pissed them enough as it is. Might as well rub it in their faces..
wonders why do some women think restrooms are the best place to take pictures. Look at me don't I look sexy by this big roll of toilet paper.
Mother's day is a great time to let her know you're gay. P.S. She knows.
or Sir Gnarles just got his invitation to the Royal Wedding today.... Damn snail mail...
doesn't care what Richard Gere thinks, a gerbil should not be used as a sex toy.
Now that Osama is dead we can focus on more important things like why has anyone made a new Ernest movie..
Do you remember Sit and Spin? No, not the toy... your early drinking days.
pretty sure Osama was armed.... Pretty sure he had to freakin legs too.
putting the fun back in funeral
Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny, until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel...
How is it that Obama can send a team into another country, kill a man, dump the body in the ocean then go on TV and tell the World about it and everyone cheers...but, if I punch some jerk in the face, I'll go to jail...
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