Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.

   My neighbor is always talking about the paranormal. Wonder what she will have to say when she finds out I put Mentos in the bird feeder and Diet Coke in the bird bath.

   feels like a playa... just eye-f**ked these hot twins for a solid 10 seconds and I don't even know their names.

   Looking @ a homeless guy on the bus, how does he know where to get off? ;)

   : My neighbours liked my music so much, the called the cops to come and listen.

   There's never a hobo around when you really need your windshield cleaned

   100% of my regrets will be when my friends find out exactly where I've been stealing 100% of my statuses. #Faaak!

   Guys... at what point do they stop being skinny jeans and start being pantyhose?

   75% of my regrets involve hitting the "Share" button.

   Xbox games should come with the warning "Caution! This game could cause temporary Tourette's Syndrome"

   clear your browsing history and cookies and give yourself as many thumbs up as your want

   I learned 3 things from "Look At Me Now": Chris Brown is getting paper, Busta Rhymes has four tongues, and Lil Wayne doesn't eat sushi

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send."

   We all have that ONE person we would gladly take back in a second...No matter how much bullsh*t they put us through and hurt us in the past.

   "I like big butts and I cannot lie" - homeless guy digging in an ashtray

   I listed the Federal Government as a dependent on my taxes this year

   It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.

   It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

   I JUST GOT LAID THIS MORNING!................ Unfortuanately it was at a 7/11 gas pump :(

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too!