Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

   "Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening."

   The brunette asked the blonde why there were bullet holes in the mirror. The blonde replied, "because I tried to commit suicide...it didn't work".

   Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

   Knowlege Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit, Wisdom Is Not Putting It In A Fruit Salad.

   "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

   If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.

   My mind is like god. It works in mysterious ways, no one really understands it, and people debate over whether or not it exists.

   hopefully Charlie Sheen's fade into obscurity will be a one-way trip

   But enough about me, let's talk about you... What do you think of me?

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

   Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!

   There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

   When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, put him into a double stroller, and run around looking frantic.

   my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

   Osama had porn, Pepsi, Coke, TV, strange drugs, three women and more! Are you sure we killed Osama Bin Laden and not Charlie Sheen?