Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When Johnny Walker does his taxes, he puts me as a dependant...

   My new hobby is Ice Sculpting... yesterday I made a cube

   If my death is as extraordinary as my life... then I should go quietly in my sleep.

   has been considering a lobotomy... it seems like a no-brainer.

   I must be allergic to peanuts. I break into a rash every payday.

   I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we're almost outta beer.

   "Wow, this place is so clean! I could literally eat off the floor!" - my dog at every place she's ever been.

   "Have a nice day".. "Dont tell me what to do"

   i hate when I wake up in the morning and Barack Obama is my president

   looking forward to showering with his brand-new "William-and-Kate-Royal-Wedding-Marketing-Hype-Souvenir-Soap-on-a-Rope".

   What you call hoarding, I call forgetting to take out the garbage for 278 consecutive weeks.

   People who brag they have haters are doing their so called haters a favor by making you look more of a douchebag than you already are.

   Dear man at the gas station, I admire how your mustache begins with your nose hairs.

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to restart.

   what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

   Todays Thing To Do: Make a To-Do list.

   walking by the gas price sign at the Gas station and remembers the day when he could afford to drive to the gas station for his slushy

   About 50% of the time “good luck” really means “efff you.”

   “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.