SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Billy Joel's "In the Middle of the Night" had to be inspired by a 3am piss.

   I actually did see mommy kissing Santa Claus. At the mall. I was 8. My dad was pissed.

   I wish there was a way to convert my skill at playing drums on the steering wheel into friends or happiness.

   With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.

   Starting to think Herman Cain only ran for President so people would find out how much he gets laid.

   Filling out my doctors info sheet, listed my twitter followers as my emergency contacts.

   Just wanna do something crazy right now, like run naked through the sprinklers, or vote for Ross Perot!

   Retweeting about a good cause is the definition of, "the least I could do."

   They should put mini M&M's inside regular ones and make M&M's Pregnants.

   Pretty psyched for my new dog to start pooping tinsel.

   There are some 35–45 year old men who think Cyber Monday means something else...

   If you're riding shotgun, you're automatically on cop look-out. With great power comes great responsibility.

   Baby strollers these days are getting out of hand. You're walking a baby. Not taking it 4x4ing through a gladiator pit on a far off planet.

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.

   If it was really a "smart phone" it would know to tell me to wash my hands before I touch it.

   Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I have Klamydia.

   My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun. #bakerysongs

   Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

   Driving around with the windows down, blasting some Burl Ives, trying to score some holiday sluts.

   Vodka + grape juice is pretty amazing. Pink elephants? I'm talking about some mothereffing purple elephants with fancy accents and monocles!