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I hate my ducking iPhone, why the he'll won the son of a botch let me ducking swear? This is passing me off! 
What I wouldn't give for one of those push button secret trap door pitfall things in front of my desk today!
Pick up line of the day: Hey, did you know that girls can't touch their elbows together? (works best with women wearing low-cut shirts)
Gnomeo & Juliet -- red v.s. blue -- so thats where it all started
This is amazing! Copy and paste this as your status, and within 5 minutes, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN! This really works! I tried it twice and it worked both times. Copy and paste this as your status, more people need to know about this ♥♥♥
Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?
Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is kinda messed up.
when I walk away it doesn't mean you win... it means I'm going to get backup
Next time someone asks you who pissed in your cheerios. Tell them I did it.
Overweight British hookers really know how to convert their pounds into dollars.
I tell women that I invented the phrase "LOL." It gets me so much ass.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate
Whenever I have gum, I suddenly get a lot more friends.
Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.
Oh wow. you're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my a@s?
I could pull it off but my liver is calling in sick in the morning
■Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Ran into a fat guy with big sideburn chops. He looked like a cross between Chris Farley and Ron Jeremy.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
you can't say the following words without sounding like an Irishman swearing: WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED. 