Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My wife: you wanna watch Glee? Me: you know, I'd love to but I was gonna drink battery acid and teabag a poison ivy bush..

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. 14 mosquitos likes this

   If a girl gets a free drink, it doesn't mean she'll be interested, it'll only mean "YAAY FREE DRINK!!"

   My name is shower. If you turn me on, i'll make you wet ;)

   Don't shoot the messenger. Unless his message is that he's going to stab you next week.

   Was anyone else hoping that the final Oprah show would include wearing tracksuits, taking poison and waiting for the mother ship to appear?

   This world is not going to make any progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   If a b!tch is two faced; Does that mean I have the right to smack the hell outta her twice?!

   I just finished running 5 miles. Just fu@king with you. I'm eating a bacon and sour cream pizza.

   Hygiene Tips: 1.Don't 2.Smell 3.Like 4.Sh!t

   I'd appreciate if you'd stop calling me, but I'll probably respond if you decide to text

   Eight year old's today have Facebook, Twitter, iPhones, iPods. When I was there age, I had a dad who beat the hell out of me.

   "I'm coming".........The two words, no matter how or when used, women usually lie about.

   If I slept with a prostitute, when we finished I would tell her that I am also a prostitute and we can just call it even.

   Men think about sex every 7 seconds. Which is why I eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, so it doesn't get weird.

   There is absolutely nothing funnier than yelling "HE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a dad having a hard time with his kid in public.

   Tired of the dying person who keeps emailing with his billion dollars. I hope he dies soon so he would quit sending the emails.

   That ackward moment when a beautiful woman is waving at you with enthusiasm, and, it turns out to someone behind you.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza, and then insist that he called me.

   Am I the only one who feels that if I had to describe urine's color and possible taste, that I should point to a yellow Vitamin Water?