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Alcohol is very very bad for you. It makes you admit stuff you wouldn't normally admit while sober. Trust me. 
I'm thinking that Barney Frank's boyfriend already had a position at Fanny....
If you think paper beats rock...Hold a piece of paper up in front of your face and I'll throw a rock at it.
My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
When my words fail, I try interpretive dancing... that usual works
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I suck at sleep.
If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed.
"Why did you just take my Napkin? I wasn't done with MY napkin..I had a special bond with that napkin... Don't give me a new napkin!..I don't know this NAPKIN! This Napkins a damn stranger!
Would buy a big dog and pay a midget to ride it
What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's boobs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked hard?...A SEAT BELT
All them damn rich people carry around small dogs... When I am rich I'm gonna carry a midget!!!
Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
that awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while.
That awkward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.
My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.
Today... I'm opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter... in my stomach.
When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.
Its gotta suck to be a band like Heart and have your hit songs be on commercials like Swiffer dust and mop
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