Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head. What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?

   Three things I cannot do: (1) pass up a piece of cake, (2) say "rural" and (3) open a can of biscuits without yelling when it pops.

   the phone in the guy's hand next to me rang, it sounded like my alarm clock, I yelled f**k and smacked it out of his hand on pure reflex

   As long as there is enough liquor to drink the apocalypse won't bother me.

   I can't breath through my nose, I'm in a perpetual state of sneeze, my eyes are watery, there is something crawling on my back and up my leg!!! OMG I love Spring!!!

   with my luck I would win the lotto then the world would end the day after

   Found a can of Clorox Disinfecting Wipes in a men's room stall at work. I don't think I'd want to wipe my a$$ with anything that has Clorox in it. That can't end well. (Pardon the pun)

   Best pre-Rapture line of the month: "My Christian friend with the Porsche is wondering why I've been following him around all day."

   Dear Facebook Friends, You can't find out who saw your profile. You won't see what you look like in the future. You won't see what the man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free I-Pads and you can't see the video of Osama's death on face

   ‎...And you ALL laughed at me when I said Justin Bieber was a sign of the Apocalypse!!!

   Just brought a bottled drink and it had written on the label 'Still Water'. Good, because if it had changed to cider, I probably wouldn't have drunk it.

   The well known phrase, 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' usually applies, except in"Their" and "Alzheimer's"...What happened, did they forget?

   I heard a strange fact today. Over 1 million dogs in the United States are named the primary benefactor of their owner's will. That's an awful name for a dog!

   Does anyone else have a feeling that Pakistan knows where the Hamburglar is?

   would rather go down a slide of razor blades into a pool of lemon juice than go back to work today.

   Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.

   Write the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board to encourage ghosts to do the work for you.

   I used to suffer with terrible flashbacks. Luckily, they're a thing of the past.

   If you really want a great, fulfilling life you have to work very hard for ..... hold on a sec, they're about to draw the lottery numbers

   Our housing estate has a small, resident ghost that helps out during hard times. It's nice to have a little community spirit.