Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   After I was born the Doctor had to slap my ass to get me breathing, I was so pissed after that I didn't speak to anyone for almost two years

   I don't get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.

   I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

   • My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business.

   What I hate most about winter is people coming to bed and touching me their ice cold toes. I know you got your sexy on, but for god's sake wear some socks.

   Don't you HATE it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you ever need me". Where the f**k were you when we were together and I needed you?

   "I'm a Flirt In A Skirt, A Tease If Past My Knees & A Slut If Past My Butt"

   Alot of people look up to me... Mostly midgets and children, but its just nice knowing that...

   Rock a bye baby on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all. Really? Why the hell did you put you kid in a tree for anyway?

   I'm not weird, I'm normal... You're just not used to me.

   just spent 30 minutes entering ridiculous symptoms into WebMD and it diagnosed me as having no life and being immature. Pshhh!

   Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.

   Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.

   Made it through another day without having to know karate.

   Love is one long sweet dream… and marriage is the alarm clock.

   LIKE if you do this: Waking up and checking your Facebook like its the morning paper.

   That awkward moment when a stranger asks to borrow your cell to make a quick call. No good reason to say NO, but in your head you're thinking of every excuse in the book. "Sorry, I work for the FBI and cant allow any unauthorized person to use my phone."

   Betty White naked...whoops this isnt Google..

   The squiggly red lines you get when typing in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb.

   I had to sit on the floor at the airport so I could charge my phone and iPad. This must be what the depression felt like.