Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious... So I threw her into a Volcano.

   I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.

   They say every birth is a miracle of God but after watching these people at Walmart they would probably become atheist.

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   People who are offended by offensive things offend me.

   I guess firefighters really get pissed when you call and say your house is on fire and when they show up, you just want your pool filled for the season...

   I found out two things last night. 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbors have a new hot tub

   Avoid arguments on facebook with someone who types faster than you...

   All these idiots that attended my Elvis Impersonation Show wants their money back but I had on the correct sun shades and costume AND I WAS LYING PERFECTLY STILL IN THE CASKET....... so, SCREW 'EM

   My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” and “Thank you.” So I responded “Please, shut the f*ck up, thank you.”

   eHarmony should be more like Amazon for those sad lonely people. "Customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03."

   You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!" I said "Why... what happened two hours ago?"

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.