Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   Just a tip for living a long and happy life: TRY NOT TO DIE

   what goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives you a warm satisfaction?...a teabag

   Yeah, yeah the Greeks "invented" sex. But we Italians introduced it to women.

   People have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and pinning the tail on the donkey – but I bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, every time.

   Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.

   Dear Internet Users, Someday you will regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   I dont ask for a blow job because the word job makes it sound like its strenuous physical labor. Instead, I ask for mouth hugs.

   Best way to get out of a text convo: "The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network setup error. Please try later. Error 2128-226110

   If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

   If I was invisible I would be the most Boobie feelinest..Bank robbinest...person this side of the mississippi....Nite yall

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

   How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   The only rime I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish sendkng a text.

   Word of warning...never sneeze while eating powder donuts and driving all at the same time, it plays hell trying see thru the spray on the windshield!

   DMV kicked Lebron James out of the organ donor program for having NO HEART......

   Somebody just texted me saying..what does IDK mean? And I replied I don't know, she said OMG nobody knows!!

   You want to know who's amazing and got that cutest smile ever? Read the first word again :D

   Why does my leg hurt after falling asleep? is it pissed off because I woke it up? It needs to be glad I am just waking it up and not cutting it off.