Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Got back from lunch a little late today...I stopped at the bank and got stuck behind someone trying to do a hostile takeover through the ATM...

   ‎"I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." Mother Teresa

   Day by day, nothing really changes. Yet when you look back, everything seems different.

   A dad walks in on his blind son who is beating off. Dad says "you better slow down or you'll go....nevermind son."

   A soulpatch is like a Corvette for your face.

   There should be some kind of a law against guys putting their girlfriend's photos on their profile pic. I am tired of sending friends request based on profile pics only to be confronted by a dude.

   After years of frowning at us and shaking their heads disapprovingly,we find out that the sanctimonious "goody two shoes" Canadians are bad losers. I feel better about myself.

   why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

   so impatient he flushes the toilet before he's finished peeing.

   In the spirit of Father's Day, my best advice to you: "Keep your "business" in your pants, and always wash your hands".

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..

   Thanks to facebook, I got in touch with my long lost high school crush the other day and set up a meeting. I showed up with my charm and swag turned all the way up only to be disappointed when I found out she had turned into a "bullet I dodged"

   There are 3 meanings behind 'Liking' someones status. 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me so I'm liking it to rub in your face. 3) I want to bang you. :)

   I can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today. :)

   I'm not an alcoholic! I just walk around with a mouthful of whiskey, so if someone says something stupid I can spit and light their face on fire.

   I hate when my boss says I have to act more professional and learn how to wear pants up to my belly button, and plssing the plants is not watering them. YADA YADA YADA

   If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up.

   They say being successful and living well is the best revenge... But rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too.

   I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.

   Don't wast your time being the one who is always there desperately waiting and being just an option.