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Live once. Regret nothing. Rewrite destiny.. nothing is written in stone. Nothing. Love your life the way you need to, not the way your told too. 
My phone is smarter than you.
There's not many things more awkward than telling a guy with a rebel flag t-shirt you're from Gettysburg, Pa
Its impossible to say the word "ironic" without some idiot saying "don't ya think"...Thanks a lot Alanis Morissette
You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster
finally its Jail for Whitey Bulger, brings a new meaning to tighty Whitey
If you strangle the next person that posts about choking Smurfs....would anyone care?
Yes,I talk to myself..Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself..and the makeup sex is awesome.
the akward moment when you open the fridge and a fly comes out
All this lighting is pissing me off, just rain and thunder already. Your teasing me like a skanky girl across the street who dances naked with the window open..... I see you.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
I can't believe the plural of moose isn't meese
To do list: 1. Poop. 2. I can't do anything until I poop.
Remember when Clinton was in office? Man those were the days huh?
My girl is sweet...I am now a member of her BENEFITS program...!!!!
If their called smart phones, why is it that only idiots use them?
Drivin around town with Cee lo's girl. Go ahead and write another stupid @ss song about it.
I have had PMS for the past two days. "Parked Motorcycle Syndrome". It's a nice cool night, time for a midnight ride.
My EX was like "We can still be friends" damn is like saying "Hey, the gold fish died but we can keep it"
Ohhhh noooo, I have to wake up 4am to work. Damn minimum wage 