Looking for a new job. One that I can sit at a long table, take off my glasses, and say "If your calculations are correct...my God have mercy on our souls" Pay negotiable
I suffer from schizophrenia. (I really don't.) Do. (Don't.) Do. (Don't!) Do! (Shut up!) NO, YOU SHUT UP! (Poo Poo head) THATS IT! (what?) I hate you. (i know)
My girlfriend loves it when I talk dirty to her during sex. I'm pissed off at her though, so tonight when we make love I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is.
I just got diagnosed with a very rare disease. "The more I get older, the sexier and better looking I become". Don't worry, it's not contagious. There's no cure for it and it just gets worst everyday...
I went for a self-defence class last night. The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me" So when I saw him in Sainsburys the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.