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The Weird moment when somebody is cross-eyed and you dont know which eye to look at. 
MySpace and Facebook got a divorce... Looks like Facebook got custody of all the kids.
Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.
College was the most expensive nap I ever took.
there a mouse that doesn't make a clicking noise as I'm trying to close 10 windows when my boss walks into my office?
Facebook is worth $100 billion. That's just in lost productivity.
I wish I could talk like fez from the 70 show. "good day, I said good day
All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to purr-gatory.
Alcohol may be my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy....
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide
Getting pretty stoked for all the Facebook albums of sh!tty firework pictures I'm gonna see next week!
Just saw the tums commercial with the corn dog smacking the guy in the face. It would be much better if it was the girl getting smacked with the corn dog.
38sec -The male minute-
Does any one have the answer to this::::: If Cinderella's Shoe Fits perfectly, then why did it fall off....??
Thinks some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"
explains Impotence: Its nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
doesnt have a beer gut.Its a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
that the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
doesnt get it...Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
knows for a fact that the Miss Universe Pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth! 