Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "I wasn't that Drunk.." "Dude, you threw a bird at the police and screamed go angry bird kill those pigs!"

   We used to be the same person... Who tho hell are you?

   The two favorite buttons I LOVE on Facebook: "Hide all posts from this person" and "Hide friend request".

   Okay, I haven't seen a damn spider around here in like three days...What the hell are they planning??

   Because of the poor economy, we couldn't afford fireworks.  The only snap, crackle, and pop at our house yesterday was when I poured milk on a bowl of Rice Krispies.

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is damn bacteria.

   Let the fireworks begin!!!

   Microwave popcorn...my own personal fireworks noise.

   I want to go to prison....I hear the exercise program there is AWESOME!!!

   The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass

   I don't always watch porn... but when I do... I prefer Tres Equis... Stay horny my friends...

   I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had saw it & apparently, she left me yesterday?!

   I miss the 80's. The temperatures, not the decade.

   never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   You can't be hot when you're asleep, especially when you're in a deep sleeping having a dream about making love to a Snowman!

   If you eat smores with a knife and fork you have no soul.

   I miss the bottle rocket wars we use to have as a kid...Oh and too my boy "One Eyed Willy" thank you for taking one for the team all those years ago...What you lack in depth perception you make up with heart...

   My interest in boomerangs comes and goes.

   Woke up today singing, "It's the 4th of July," to the tune of "It's the First of the Month," by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

   The Census Bureau admits to undercounting over a million residents in California.....Congrats to Schwarzenegger for managing to cover up all those illegitimate kids!