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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. 
I was on the phone last night with my mom and I was telling her that I had a real bad headache? She says, "You have any acetylsalicylic acid?" I said, "Ma, you mean aspirin?" She goes, “That's it, I can never remember that word.”
why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves!
Every time I see a female sword swallower I think ...... she use to have a black boyfriend
i think my Yogurts haunted ...... Paranormal Activia
4 out of 5 turtles are Ninjas
if you have never given yourself troll hair while taking a bath .. then you probably don't have a soul
Asia-Vu the feeling you've seen that Asian person before
The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!
We cant pretend to be strangers when I have seen you naked!
Are you a robot? So why do you keep doing what people tell you and expect you to do?
I would slap you right now but I don't want to get arrested for animal abuse.
The world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going.
I'm not your Father but I can be your friend ( Heavy breathing ) - Step-dad Darth Vader
just saw George Washington advertised for deadliest warriors I think they're running out of warriors
procrastination personified.
I got 99 doughnuts cause a bitch ate one.
At some point, my grandmother stopped admiring how big I was getting.
I always use the self-checkout lane to avoid being embarrassed when my card is declined.
whenever i'm bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure! 