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Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend's head... 
If you don't like Mexican immigrants, then you go pick oranges for $5 a day.
Men: 99% of the women you will meet take antidepressants. Just accept the fact.
When David Beckham scored, I'd drink BECKS, when Paul Scholes scored, I'd drink SKOL, when Kenny Miller scored, I'd drink MILLER. Thank God David Seaman played as a goalkeeper!
It didn't look that hot from inside, but as soon as I stepped outside, it was like Satan farted in my face...
How do you stop a man breaking in your house?? Replace the locks with bra fasteners.
went to a movie tonight with 18 blonds!!! they said because 18 and under was not allowed
I wish the world were a fly and I was a giant rolled up newspaper.
Scrolling down your Facebook News Feed can sometimes be just like scrolling down the spam folder in your yahoo mail.
If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
USED CAR FOR SALE CHEAP !!! Drives great, Low Mileage, Car trunk smells like chloroform and dead animals. Contact: Casey Marie Anthony, Inmate #08049710, at Orange County Jail, P.O. Box 4970, Orlando, FL 32802-4970, or call (407) 836-3400
this status update is dedicated to all the status-less people out there, stay strong
in a recent poll asking if illegal immigration is a problem...A: yes 20%, B: no 10%, C: no comprende 70%
girls should come with a carfax
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he's just going to use it for drugs and alcohol, and then I thought... That's what I'm going to use it for
Walmart, because going to Target requires a shower
Why can't braille just be in the shape of the letters?
80% of people have a brain, the other 20% are in my friend list clicking on spam as we speak
I can already hear the birds judging me for sleeping till noon tomorrow.
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