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thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money 
thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.
Having children is like being at a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't get an iPod Touch - next question." "Yes, I know how to do the Cat Daddy - next question." "No, Disneyland is not economically viable at this time - next question."
You don't have to like me. I'm not a facebook status.
lady caca was way better when she was madonna
i think pitbulls are mean because theyre mad that minorities keep buying them
I drove by a yard sale today. I know this because they had a child standing out front holding a sign that read "Yard Sale". Apparently they couldn't afford a stick.
The best part of a Lady Gaga song is when it ends
Don't you just hate those people that just stroll across the street like they are so important/cool and have no consideration for anybody else? I'm changing the sound of my horn to gunfire.
a new postage stamp shaped like a vAjAy was introduced yesterday but it's not selling well cos only 5% of men know how 2 lick it properly!
What do you call an Oklahoma farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ;)
If you always have to be right, then that's the first thing wrong with you.
that 'aquard' moment when you cant spell "awkward"...
If I get any more awesome I'll have to pay a luxury tax
A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."
Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.
Got back from lunch a little late today...I stopped at the bank and got stuck behind someone trying to do a hostile takeover through the ATM...
"I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." Mother Teresa
Day by day, nothing really changes. Yet when you look back, everything seems different.
A dad walks in on his blind son who is beating off. Dad says "you better slow down or you'll go....nevermind son."
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