Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   Someone broke into my house the other day while I was at work. I think they got kind of plssed when they didn't find anything worth stealing because they left my place an awful mess.

   FYI - I keep my phone on vibrate & carry it around in my underwear... so an especially big thanks to all who have liked or commented. :)

   One of the great things about looking so good is that I never have to explain why you should f*ck me.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never be as funny as those novelty shirts from Spencer's.

   Ever look at your ex while thinking "was I drunk for our whole relationship?

   Sometimes I need to hold my girlfriend underwater in order to find her leak then I can throw a vinyl patch on her and go about my business.

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   I was chillin' with my buddy and his wife walked in and said, "Happy Father's Day! You're so much more than the guy who used to buy dollar store condoms."

   Dear Ex, please get out of my head and heart. Sincerely, someone who`s trying to move on.

   Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.

   • Where does a woman put perfume? Where she wish to be kissed.

   Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.”

   Ladies.. Let no past relationship ruin your love life. Remember: "Love will only fail when you fail to love!" Keep moving!

   Things a woman should know first before we start dating - My fav beer is your fav beer, My fav team is your fav team, you can have freewill on everything else.

   Nothing says Happy Father's Day like waking up next to a stripper and wondering if she actually has a father to celebrate the day.

   • The craziest girls are the ones who seem the most normal at first.

   When we run into an ex, we always play "Who Won?" And in our minds, we always won.

   step aside, I have a spork!

   @Guys - We appreciate when you keep your condoms within close reach from the bed so we don't spend ten minutes waiting naked while you search the other end of the apartment.