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A woman recently changed her FB status to "got my periods" 20 guys liked it and 30 commented "thank God" 
Stuck between Yeah! I have a job and Crap I have to go to work!
Children grow up so fast. One day they're taking their 1st steps, the next they're taken away after a judge rules you're a negligent parent.
Sometimes you have to tell yourself "This the worst idea ever!" and then do it anyways.
They should make Harry Potter brand condoms Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.
some people deserve the middle finger more often
I am actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
so cool, you can set your clock by his 5 oclock shadow
I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I was going, Officer.
I don't think I've ever been told I'm a bad listener.
Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, but he never called his wife or mother because they were both deaf... which would actually make him the original inventor of the 'booty call' as well.
next time you go through the drive-thru at McD, order a burger and say "can you please hold the pickle" in a sexy voice... trust me, it's worth it!
The phrase "You come in handy" sounds like something an Asian masseuse might say for an extra $50
Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?
Just opened a new tube of pringles - but disappointed - there's only three in there, and they're all tennis ball flavour.
i'm not a vegetarian but I eat animals that are
if you have to ask how much that drink is, you probably shouldn't be drinking it
weird. I was playing mini golf and this angry dude from New Zealand offered to carry my putter and kept swatting my wifes camera out of her hand
my buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
need to check my wifes license...apparently she changed her name to Princess without telling me
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