Funny Status Messages

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of!

   I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.

   Today, at Starbucks, when the lady asked for my name, I told her "Voldemort". When the guy called out the name for pick-up, he said, "VOL...uhhh...'He Who Must Not Be Named'".

   Me and my girl roleplay in the bedroom, she pretends she's Catwoman and I pretend I love her

   Just called the police on my GF, not for a crime, I just want them to remind her she has the right to remain silent

   The most best things in life can't be seen or touched....at least that's what the restraining order says.

   I always seem to hurt the ones I love the most. Probably because I've got a huge d*ck.

   I test girls by sending a text that says "I can't find my phone can you call it?" if she calls, its not gonna work out

   My ex hates my new girlfriend, but I mean, its not like she ever got along with her mom anyway.

   Why is it when deer decide to commit suicide they always choose my car as the weapon of choice!? :/

   I'm not into any sports. But I'll watch women's beach volleyball​ if it's on

   I'm trying to rule the world, you want to own a lot of shoes. We're not on the same playing field.

   Just killed a bug with a bible...not sure what happens now.

   I didn't get fired, I just got demoted to customer.

   You were on my good side, until you told me that you believe Elvis is still alive.

   Dear Budget Models; the bathroom is for sh*tting, pissing and showering, not for photo shoots

   when you r I'll suddenly everyone around you is a doctor

   I hate Costco and its costconians on the weekend. Is it really that difficult to move aside while trying to devour your 27th sample? It is not like you're trying to balance fine China on a stick, you're putting a cheese square into yo

   Did you know that you can't tap your thumb knuckle against your bottom teeth with your eyes closed over 16 times without getting dizzy?

   If you wear a "come at me bro" shirt, I'm coming at you. If you wear a "free hugs" shirt, I'm grabbing you and spinning you around. If you don't like a stranger doing this maybe you shouldn't falsely advertise.