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Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly! 
The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when I was watching porn under the electric blanket
I like calling the man who kidnapped me and raised me my faux pa
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before Nyquil, something something heart palpitations
Skin-tight clothing only works if the skin underneath is tight also
The first person to fabricate a muffler for a Dentist's drill, will make a fortune!
If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain
fixing something with WD-40 and a Craftsman wrench.
Fuller than a tick on a fat dogs ass!
Next time someone calls you a disappointment, remind them everyone is great at something and you just happen to excel at disappointing.
A Cougar travels 1500 miles from S Dakota only to get hit by a car in CT. Sounds like an episode of Real Housewives of NY!
I don't keep a gun in my house but I do have a carefully positioned cactus.
They call me Mr. Coffee, cause I grind so fine!!!
Wrong # call=boring. Wrong # text message=fun. Someone text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
There's no such a thing as a happy single woman. We're all just wives-in-training or crazy cat ladies.
If you pretend 7am is the new happy hour, getting up early isn't all that bad anymore.
We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.
hates it when overweight people who don't take care of their body give weight advice! Look- when you're so fat that when you order a water-bed a freaking blanket is layed over the Pacific Ocean, do not come preaching nutrition to me.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I'm almost out.
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