SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   The cheese I'm eating right now isn't very tasty. It feels good to share my feelings.

   Just told my Secret Santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   Technically wouldn't all of Denver be in the mile high club?

   Women find it rude if you blatantly want to sleep with them. But they find even ruder if you don't.

   I just had to use a can opener to get my jeans off.

   My religion combines Buddhism & Scientology, or Buddhintology. I believe in Celebrities & Emptiness.

   Brett Favre has thrown his hat into the ring to replace the injured Jay Cutler. The hat was immediately intercepted and returned for a TD.

   Just took my Doritos bag out of the trash because I saw one more Dorito in it. I wonder if Bonnie Tyler is still holding out for a hero?

   I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.

   They say dress for the job you want not the job you have, so today I'm dressed like the Pope.

   Kid birthday parties should just be called get your child sick gatherings.

   Herman Cain's career & marriage are a mess & the media mocks him constantly. Only 10 months ago, this was called #Winning.

   I am on a rowing machine. It's like being on a boat only with less screaming.

   If you ever have the strangest sensation that I'm communicating with you telepathically, it's because I totally am!

   Anti Depressants should be called 'Mirth Control.'

   "You moved the headstones but you never moved the chicken bones!!" (Poultrygeist)

   Little known fact: Pop-up ads are the result of that time the Internet got herpes.

   We've wrapped cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and are ready for the guy to break into the house while we're sleeping!

   Wearing a Santa hat is a great way let people know you're a wild card.

   What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?