Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Most men would never agree to marriage if they knew how rare it was to mate in captivity.

   Common sense Nursing is knowing that you should never take a laxative when you have a bad cough.

   Going to a chain bookstore and finding all the books on lower back pain on the bottom shelf is most likely result of hiring college grads with degrees like "Art History" and only paying them minimum wage.

   The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.

   Remember , the Grass is not always Greener on the other side!!! Unless your neighbors are"Cheech & Chong"

   i dont know why but everytime someone starts a conversation with "this one time" my brain automatically says "at band camp"

   The bum economy has sent gold prices sky rocketing....It's so high that an angry flash mob looted Mr. T!

   Women use their purses as a way to "mark" their territory while shoppin. They make us men hold their purses . I don't care if your Arnold Schwarzenegger, you look like a doofus holding your wifes purse outside a Fashion Barn dressing room.

   Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian might be the first time in history that the roles have been reversed and a ball player has trapped a hoe.

   I want my tombstone to say "Watch where your standing... that hurts!"

   'I love having sex with you' doesn't mean, 'I'm only having sex with you'

   Everybody has that one person who always catches you doing weird stuff.

   The most beautiful people are the ones who do not have the intention to look good but end up accidentally looking good.

   If she listens to lil wayne, she to young for you bro

   Celebrities of old had talent and class! Why then are the likes of the Kardashians and Hiltons considered celebrities when they have neither?

   I'm not saying Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are talentless and incapable of attracting faithful fans. What I'm saying is that most of those fans still live in Grandma's Basement and keep the great American product KY Jelly in steady production.

   I'm better than most people. Even in the small things. Like when I use a Public Toilet I can easily ascertain that I'm better than 95% of the people who've been there because I know how to flush properlly.

   Single women are the reason women are single

   After looking for hours I'm pretty sure Waldo has the d@mn remote again.

   Now remember, in a romantic passionate marriage no one wears the pants.