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"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence? 
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
That feeling when a booger shoots out your nose and you don't know where it landed.
Do you think when a clown climaxes, he shoots out silly string?
I think I'll dump my coffee on my head...it'll work faster.
do you know someone who is alive because you didnt wanna go to jail for killing them?
Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.
Sometimes you can take things too far with the wrong person. I'm the wrong person
Expect nothing but plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to be surprised.
I go to a Weight Watchers meeting. I dump out a carton of Whoppers malted Milk Balls on the floor. The next thing you know, I'm watching a live version of the Hungry Hungry Hippos game.
Whats the similarity between Men and Rats? They all run around looking for Holes
The only reason a husband would ever take up jogging is so that he could hear heavy breathing again.
Dear fat, I don't need you to cover me. Sincerely muscle.
If you're always being cheated on in every relationship you get into, then it's clear the problem isn't them. The problem is in your decisions. You're the one picking them.
Guys...Wanna feel appreciated by your woman? Tighten all the the jar and bottle lids in the house, then leave for a day or two.
To me women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.
UNDENIABLE FACTS 101: You were born because, your parents had sex.
I heard you are good at mathematics! Can you replace my X without asking Y?
Don't love the person who "enjoys" with you. Love the person who "suffers" without you.
The Red Plastic Cup.... Making you feel like 15 to 24 years old again!
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