Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The feeling when you leave behind something and realize it only when its too late

   The government today, announced that it's changing it's emblem from a Bald Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government 's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects

   According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. That's why I've taken all my cash and converted it to safe, stable iTunes gift cards.

   I can't sleep. There's nothing on TV except the Home Shopping Club, so I called 'em. They answer, "Home Shopping Club!" I said, "Hi." They said, "Can we help you?" I go, "Nah, I'm just looking."

   Million Dollar Idea: A pot pie. Only bigger. And filled instead with fruit. Apples perhaps.

   It's taken me awhile but I think I'm finally ready to accept that it's not butter

   whoever said that kids get easier as they get older, musta been living in a fantasy land

   I wonder if mermaids ever smoke seaweed?

   English man and a Thai woman are in bed. After sex the women starts stroking his weenie. The man asks haven't you had enough? She says “yeah, I just miss mine."

   I was born with a rare disease. It's the one where your heart doesn't grow on the left side of your chest but on the right side sleeve of your shirt.

   ...all this talk about eating disorders is making me hungry

   There are many paths On the journey through life, I think I might have chose the psychopath....

   Every time I read "ROFL", I hear Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   thanks to the economy, instead of USA its been renamed to IOUSA.

   money don't change you, it changes the people around you.

   Don't want to brag or anything but when I was a kid I had 9 planets.

   Today marks the day of the 100th birthday of a true American icon...Lucille Ball. To many generations she has brought us laughs and enjoyment with her quirky dilemmas. Still to this day she brings laughter all over the world episode after episode of I Lov

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them just to see what they would do!

   Camping? You want me to go camping? Listen...My idea of "roughing it" is a night at Motel 6 with no cable. ng it

   Yeah I knew it was time to stop foreplay with this chic as soon as I heard her scream "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOUR IN THE JUNGLE BABY" as she was pulling down her pants.....