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You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round! 
I went to fill out an application/job interview today. When I got to: "position applying for"........... I wrote "yours" followed by a " ;-) " and a "LOL." I think I NAILED it!!
Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!
My neighbor let me borrow his car on one condition, that I treat it like I would my own. So I guess I get to fill the floor board with fast food bags and keep it until it gets repoed!
I'm gonna build a fort under my desk. I checked the employee handbook and there's nothing in there saying I can't..
ok Doc, give up... your not funny.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even convince a girl to sleep with me.
I'm laying on my Girlfriends yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline" pose.
I don't get why people drive old cop cars! Damn it, I had to chug that beer quickly..oh well I'll just open another.
if you text me "lol", I will reply "prove it"
I can't wait for the Columbine themed episode of Glee.
If you're attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!
Sometimes I call Domino's Pizza and order a pie. I ask them to repeat the order, then I say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99...please pull up to the first window."
Sometimes if I get scared at night..I just tell myself there are no such things as ghost only clumsy ninjas....
You would think old people would drive a lil faster...I mean its not like they have alot of time to waste..Right?
My version of the hokey pokey doesn't include a lot of hokey.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
I bet if you added them up Cher has had more surgeries than Chaz.
***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that I can get 100 tampons for $1.00... No Strings attached...but for a limited period ONLY!...A bloody good deal!
Daughter: iPod.... Son: iPhone.......Mom: iPad.......Dad: iPay 