Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Interesting how you can't say "prick" on TV as a noun or calling someone the name. You can say you got a prick on your finger just don't say you fingered a prick. 
i'm so romantic, sometimes I think I should date myself.
You try to teach a kid not to steal, but every once in a while they come back with something you really want. Now I have a back scratcher.
Its sad that at a certain point some peoples promises just start too sound like Charlie Brown's Teacher..."Wah wah wah wah wah wah"
You know da day is off to a bad start when you realize you put your dirty socks in the toaster, two slices of bread in the toilet and peed in the laundry hamper.
I think the Angry Birds could use some anger management counselling. Mellow out, my cranky avian bros!
The wife asks "Do you wanna have sex or watch Top Chef?"... Apparently "Well, what are they cooking?" was the wrong answer
The guy in line in front of me has flowers, condoms, mints, deodorant, and Champagne. It's no secret what he's up to... Whereas my items are less revealing... toilet paper, Perpetration H, Imodium A-D, and stain remover.
When I was your age, I didn't even know what drugs were!" The robot slaps the dad. Mom: "Haha! He's definitely YOUR son!" The robot slaps the mom.
-A dad buys a lie detector robot, which slaps people when they lie.. so he decides to test it out a dinner. Dad: "Son, where were you today?" Son: "I was at school." The robot, slaps the boy. Son: "Okay Okay, I did drugs with a friend!" ... Dad: "What! Wh
Thinks there was more white trash at the Toby Keith concert than in the dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Here, put these floaties on your ankles ...
nailing Jello to a tree isn't hard. Freeze it. Adapt and overcome.
Hell no I don't use a Loofah in the shower....I use a Man-Sponge!!...There's a difference lol
Dear Jäger I think we need to stop seeing each other...."Maybe we have too much in common. We are too much alike." If the phone doesn't ring, it's probably me....
Dear Colonel Gaddafi: If you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks....May I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber, Casey Anthony and the Octomom
everybody hates it when their job blows...but love it the other way round.
Just left Disney resort to Orlando airport on the Disney's magical express.. Yeah right the magic here is the break I will have on my mastercard
I swear everytime I hear the new tempur pedic commercial all I can think of is "ask me about my weiner" from Accepted!!!
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5, 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. 