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Let me get this straight. I should wear a mask, gloves, sunglasses and a hat. That sounds more like a disguise to me 
Judge: "how do you plead?" Me: "your honor I plead oopsie daisies."
If someone has "some colledge" listed on their education history, the fact that they misspelled "college" is a pretty good indication that "some 3rd grade" is probably a more accurate assessment.
I can't really Walk the Walk or Talk the Talk, but if you need someone to Drink the Drink then I'm your guy.
I'm so old when I was a kid the only kind of positive post we knew was on a car battery.
Dogs are like unruly kids. The people who live with them love 'em. But they annoy the heII out of the rest of us.
t's been 11 years since Michael Jackson died. I'm surprised we aren't seeing Jacko impersonators like we see Elvis impersonators.
Did you realize that "Go hang a salami. I'm a lasagna hog" is a palindrome?
When I order something online I always put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch." in the "Delivery Notes" box.
You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as "suspicious activity."
When I Went To The Market I Saw A Lady Carrying A Baby Up Side Down
I Have A Friend Name Nelson And His Nails Are Nasty
I Have A Cat Name Milk And He Eats Milk
I tried coke for the first time last night and never again! From now on, I’ll just stick to Pepsi.
Now that Elmer has been disarmed, prepare for a huge population boom of cartoon rabbits ..
The way we're losing the Coronavirus surprised Mexico hasn't paid to finish the wall yet.
If I had a dollar for eveytime I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream
My 4th of July plans are all set as I'll be celebrating my independence from the Coronavirus by staying home!
Coronavirus - explained in dancing. You and nine friends are dancing together. One friend is dancing while sprinkling glitter. How many friends leave the dance party wearing glitter?
A mom getting a minivan is like losing one's virginity. It hurts at first, but think of all the stuff they can fit in afterwards. 