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Honestly, I would prefer to look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that!" Than instead of saying, "I wish I did that..." 
considering the irony of someone actually "butt-dialing" their proctologist
Texting while lonely can be just as dangerous as texting while driving.
I love being called silly, strange, weird, different, odd, etc. I always take it as a compliment.
Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ''Thing" with someone.
When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
Ah, Sarcasm. What would I ever do without you?
Just read my daughter's diary & I'm shocked and horrified by her spelling: "Falayshio" "Vycoton" "Kill Prinsaple." It's embarrassing.
The only way this middle seat could be more uncomfortable is if the in-flight movie were "Your Parents Doing It: A Documentary"
Why the hell was my status about SLUTS deleted? Who the hell is abusing his power up in this biyatch.
When will the US State Department recognize the Man vs Food nation
In an interview years later, Prince's former boss Mr. McGee said that he never disliked Prince. He just liked Morris Day better.
Waitress just said their creamed spinach was banging. Not sure how I feel about that.
Sangria is like naughty Kool Aid.
Your Disinterest In My Future...Explains Your Role In It.
I went to a pizzeria yesterday that puts marijuana instead of oregano in their sauce. I ended up eating 30 pizzas.
For a minute, I thought someone was abducting douchebags and tagging their ears, then letting them back in to the wild... turns out it's just their bluetooth..
Saying “oh!” like you get it. But you still have no idea.
How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.
Happy Birthday to one of my ex girlfriends. I can't remember which one, but I know one of you has a birthday today. 