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at Walmart shopping the other day & heard a woman come over the loud speaker,"Attention Kmart Shoppers..." There was a long pause & then she said,"You're in the wrong store." 
Most of the Pillsbury Dough Boys family showed up for his Funeral. His wife Jane, son Jon, Daughters Play and Docie Dough were all there. His son Dill was missing though. He later told everyone he found himself trembling in a deep dark hole of emotions.
Hef like his girls like he likes his paint when he spruces up the ole Playboy Mansion: cheap, dull, and easily spreadable.
If you're a British actor and you weren't in atleast one Harry Potter movie, its time for a little self evaluation on your career choice
Yesterday it was fish, shrimp, and crabs. Tonight I'm just fishing for compliments.
Peeing is like going to the gas station, you'll wait til the very last second to go when you don't have a choice anymore!...
"Sorry" isn't a verb so don't expect it to fix things for you.
If you don't want a parking ticket, put your wipers on high.
It's funny how when funky smellin powder is sent thru the mail anonomously Homeland Security is all over that sh*t. But when the same kind of funky smellin powder fills the air everytime Hef takes off his daiper at the Playboy Mansion no one gives a sh*t.
Never wait until a woman is fed up for you to start cherishing and appreciating her.
it possible for an Asian to take a picture without making a peace sign?
Hugh Hefner has totally ruined blond jokes for me. Inside of every blond joke there's a Hugh Hefner joke dying to be told.
I see dead people.......a lot easier since I started using my Bushnell 3200 Tactical Elite rifle scope.
It's a grill kind of day!! I'm an Omnivore however in a gesture of sensitivity to Vegans everywhere, today I'm only gonna eat vegetarian animals .
its hard "not to judge a book by its cover" when its barely covered, orange, wearing pounds of makeup, fake eyelashes, and bleach blonde.
That rather uneasy moment when someone compliments you and you can't find anything to compliment them on.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
Girls cheat if there's something wrong with the relationship; guys cheat if there's an opportunity to get away with it.
My wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
I am 99.9% sure she doesn't like me and will never date me. But it's that 0.1% that keeps me going 