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I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury. 
To all the women I've loved before, I have found someone better.
Nothing's more disappointing than getting a message, hoping it's from that girl you love, and it turns out to be from your wife instead.
Starbucks now sells coffee in a 32oz size, called a "trenta"... For those of you who feel like having diarrhea ALL day
whenever I watch an old 60's or 70's movie I wonder how cool it wouldve been to live then, then I realized 90 percent of what I do would take an hour on a rotatory phone and sending 5 letters a day...go 2000's
46% of violence on T.V. occurs in cartoons.
Before you repent, make sure you have sinned
You don't have to get well soon. Take your sweet time.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to break your liver.” – someone who is not an expert at breaking hearts.
Yeah, you look smart but I don't trust my eyesight much.
Music caters to every type of moment, mood and moron.
Zombway....Eat Flesh.
I don't have haters..I have confuse admires.
If your problem has a solution solve it. If it doesn't, why worry about it?
Superman's disguise sucks when I took my glasses off the police still knew it was me.
tired of all the vegetarians thinking they are better than everyone: my food EATS your food!!!
Excuse me Sir, you can barely fit in your car yet here you are trying to fit in a pair of skinny jeans?
Don't take a good woman for granite.... trade something else for her...Granites expensive!!!!!!
You look so beautiful I forgot how bad your personality was.
Kissing a girl on her forehead is care, on her cheek is respect, on her lips is love, but kissing her in front of her boyfriend is GUTS 