Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."

   Whenever someone describes themselves as curvy, I always picture Owen Wilsons' nose.

   I'm fighting the worst case of bad breath EVER! It's tough holding a co-worker down while you brush his teeth.

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important.

   Jenna Jameson was arrested for a DUI which means she can now add the breathalyzer to the long list of things she's blown.

   If you're going to block me... then you better block all of my friends on FB! Right guys? Guys? Hello? Dammit! :(

   You got stretch marks around your mouth b!tch, so don't be playing hard to get.

   I hope Karma punches you in the face before I do.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right". Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

   Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.

   Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you.

   Hey dumb ass. Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with, Hey dumb ass.

   Every woman needs find someone who will ruin her lipstick instead of her mascara.

   My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

   I'm back in the HR office today, apparently "Kill myself" was not an appropriate response when by boss asked me, "What would you do if you were me?"

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......