Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you

   I really hope the guy from Microsoft can take some time out from his busy schedule to read the hundreds of error reports I send him daily

   I had to put my pet rock to sleep. It attacked all my pet scissors.

   Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts

   There's three ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way and the way that I do it.

   You are never quite as entertaining as when you come home from your night shift, walk head first thru a spider web, and dance the "Unmanly Web Tango" for the delight of all your neighbors, your teenage son, and his friends at the bus stop.

   Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat

   And Jesus said to His disciples, "Follow me....on twitter."

   if cows could fly, would they all migrate to India?

   A real woman not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not attracted to and has no intention of dating. But a gold-digger would.

   Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

   Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think that I ... wait what were we thinking about?

   Barbie is going to be so happy. She is getting over the fact that Ken comes in a different box.

   With gold prices so high, and considering how much Goldschläger that I drink, I'm taking my turds down to cash4gold.

   Having sex is like riding a bicycle. It's fun till your ass starts to hurt and the chain comes off.

   In only 366 days, I will be one year clean and sober.cheers,!

   Football season is a lot like my se(x) life....except for I actually care when football season is coming.

   I can let the fact that she owns a cat slide....as long as it's never been used as her profile pic.

   In my house, relationships go sour before a gallon of milk does...

   My wife thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.