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if only I could lose weight as fast as I lose money 
This is your status on the old FB. ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ʍǝu ǝɥʇ uo snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ....Any questions?
FYI - Tomorrow is Hard Hat Friday......
Oh great....I just heard a satellite the size of a bus is expected to crash somewhere on earth tomorrow. Wear a hat!!
Some guy says to his teenage daughter “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she says, “what are they?”
Gays wear their boxes on backwards for easy access.
If something goes without saying, why mention it?
Don't really care too much about the new fb update but is there a way to "subscribe" to positive only updates? Filter out the complainers, negative-nancys, shoe-taggers, and crybabies?
you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again? well,the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.....
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts
walking along smiling to myself with the autumn sunshine,warming my face, kicking the golden leaves like in my childhood... WTF clean up after your god damn dogs! mutha f***ers!!!!!!
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
Imagine living with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 years... I think Osama called the US Navy Seals himself
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
If women were born with remote controls, the most commonly used buttons would be: PAUSE, MUTE, FAST-FORWARD, and SLEEP.
looking for CHANGE? Vote Zuckerberg for president!
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties
A crazy girlfriend is cute. But a crazy Ex-girlfriend is a nightmare
Fellas: treat her special EVERYDAY, not just on a HOLIDAY or her BIRTHDAY..
I bet you 20 dollas I'm broke
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