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Today in the car my nephews taught me that SlugBug and Perdidle weren't the only car ride punch games. There's also CruiserBruiser, RamBam, MustangBang, and ChevyShoves. So I made up the HumrBumr and the Haiyundai Chop. Uncles can do that you know. 
Catholic." ... ... ... He says, "Yes, I'm single & Catholic!" The nun kisses the driver then asks why he is crying. I lied. I must confess I'm married & I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin & I'm going to a Halloween party!"
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
"Hi Welcome to Starbucks!" "Yeaaah, I'll have a Café- Mocha Vodka-Marjiuana Latte to go please." Um Sir we don't have that" Oh I'm sorry I meant a Pumkin Spice Latte"
One thing I've learned from my mistakes is, I don't learn from my mistakes!!
You've been rejected more times than the Chinese guy that stands in the mall food court trying to hand out samples of bourbon chicken.
69 - Some may call it nasty but I call it a romantic dinner for 2.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
They say that the odds of the satellite hitting a human is HIGHER than winning the lottery... So what are the odds of winning the lotto, then walking outside and being hit by the satellite?
IF MYSPACE and FACEBOOK have taught me anything... It's that when I become rich and famous, dont let ANYONE touch whatever it was that brought me to that point.
if you want to post akward moment jokes and not have it redirect spell "akward wrong"
the akward moment when you are at a funeral and your phone rings.. you ring tone is "I will survive".
am I the only one when my mom enters the room while I am on the computer, switch to goole and just stare at it?
I dont care if it is 5 min. till the bell.... I am packing up now !!!!
The sad moment when you are playing hide and go seek.. you have the best hiding spot... you have to go pee
think of a number, double it, add six, half it, take away the number you started with, your answer is three
Quick cooking question...after I boil the vegetables...what do I do with the leftover wheelchairs?
I hear Putin is running again for Russian Presidency. But more importantly, how will this affect the Russian mail order brides??
What are those small bumps around a woman's nipples? They are Braille for "s*ck here."
I had a terrible dream last night. I was a baby and Dolly Parton was my mom and she bottle fed me. 