Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The only way this middle seat could be more uncomfortable is if the in-flight movie were "Your Parents Doing It: A Documentary"

   Why the hell was my status about SLUTS deleted? Who the hell is abusing his power up in this biyatch.

   When will the US State Department recognize the Man vs Food nation

   In an interview years later, Prince's former boss Mr. McGee said that he never disliked Prince. He just liked Morris Day better.

   Waitress just said their creamed spinach was banging. Not sure how I feel about that.

   Sangria is like naughty Kool Aid.

   Your Disinterest In My Future...Explains Your Role In It.

   I went to a pizzeria yesterday that puts marijuana instead of oregano in their sauce. I ended up eating 30 pizzas.

   For a minute, I thought someone was abducting douchebags and tagging their ears, then letting them back in to the wild... turns out it's just their bluetooth..

   Saying “oh!” like you get it. But you still have no idea.

   How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.

   Happy Birthday to one of my ex girlfriends. I can't remember which one, but I know one of you has a birthday today.

   The University of Maryland uniforms were so ugly.....How ugly are they???So ugly that a University of Miami player was overheard saying "You couldn't pay me to wear those uniforms"

   I'm gonna go old school and drop my status updates in an envelope and start mailing them to all my friends daily to help bail out the Post Office...

   WORDS OF ADVICE: Whenever she says "I think we should see other people", what she really means is that she's been seeing someone else behind your back for weeks and has now grown tired of the charade.

   When I give a quick witted response to a question, I want my friends to clap and say "good answer" several times Family Feud style.

   Baskin-Robbins just sent a memo to Rosie O'Donnell-"Thanks to you, we're down to only 5 flavors!"

   When you give it all you got, you sometimes end up with nothing.

   Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded, bigoted a$$hole.

   Today is Teachers Day. Any other whiskies should not be allowed...