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Don't waste your time worrying about a piece of sh*t that's not worried about you. 
I got some mail yesterday that says, "Tiime-Sensitive Material Enclosed." So I guess I gotta keep it away from clocks...
Somewhere in the world, some stripper is still claiming she is paying her way through college ten years and no degree later.
No! but that's a really nice ski mask!
If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online customer survey, we're pretty much doomed.
I pledged allegiance "to the republic for witches stand" until third grade.
Dear dude holding his wifes purse in the middle of the food court. Have some dignity and at least strike the Heisman pose.
Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.
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I hate when people see me at a grocery store and say, "Hey! What are you doing here?"... I'm like "oh you know, just hunting elephants and stuff..."
The most awkward thing you can hear from the guy at the urinal next to you..."Hey, nice watch".
No! But id ok if she break up wif you if you talk like dis
it ok 2 break up wid a girl if she forcibly makes you watch one of dose stupid twilight movies???
A little league baseball coach got busted for molesting his 8-year-old players. What the hell? I was in little league. No one even tried to molest me. What was wrong with me? Was I not good lookin enough?
I firmly believe that a man should never hit a woman. But come on, she changed the channel from Sunday Night Football to Desperate Housewives. I didn't have a choice!
I don't know who has a worse lineup right now, the Mets or the Republicans
I thought 'sex tape' was just slang for duct tape
I can't think of a worse feeling in the world than when you realize your Caprisun has no straw
You think you know a guy, then you sleep with his girlfriend, and all of a sudden his true colors show 