Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm calling child protective services on Mother Nature.

   when someone posts something like, "In a bad mood. Don't ask!". They actually want you to ask and are looking for attention.

   If Febreze is really that damn good then maybe they should consider putting a douche on the market.

   when contemplating a murder-suicide, always kill yourself first

   You know what my problem is? People telling me what my problem is.

   Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better

   There would be a lot less entering of "Do not enter" areas if they didn't have a "Do not enter" sign.

   The word "lulz" hurts my eyes. Please make it stop.

   really dont like joggers.. watch the news isnt it a lil suspicious they are always the ones who find the bodies

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying “No Service”? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.

   Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"

   I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some c*nt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

   I woke up this morning and found my big toe was missing, in it's place was a litte note that read 'gone to market'

   Love my new job. It's at a work free drug place.

   I don't think any woman could ever break my heart as much as the prequels to Star Wars did.

   The Mayan Calendar says the world will end on Dec 21, 2012, which really means a lot of babies will be born on Sept 21, 2013.

   Does anyone know what the other half of the battle is?

   "If your wife can't handle a compliment, maybe she shouldn't keep such a well groomed moustache!"

   Stop criminals and repeat offenders - DO NOT re-elect them!

   How come Obama doesn't eat pickles? because he can't get his head in the jar...