Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   No! but that's a really nice ski mask!

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online customer survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   I pledged allegiance "to the republic for witches stand" until third grade.

   Dear dude holding his wifes purse in the middle of the food court. Have some dignity and at least strike the Heisman pose.

   Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.

   ‎[Status update only available to Facebook® Gold™ account holders]

   I hate when people see me at a grocery store and say, "Hey! What are you doing here?"... I'm like "oh you know, just hunting elephants and stuff..."

   The most awkward thing you can hear from the guy at the urinal next to you..."Hey, nice watch".

   No! But id ok if she break up wif you if you talk like dis

   it ok 2 break up wid a girl if she forcibly makes you watch one of dose stupid twilight movies???

   A little league baseball coach got busted for molesting his 8-year-old players. What the hell? I was in little league. No one even tried to molest me. What was wrong with me? Was I not good lookin enough?

   I firmly believe that a man should never hit a woman. But come on, she changed the channel from Sunday Night Football to Desperate Housewives. I didn't have a choice!

   I don't know who has a worse lineup right now, the Mets or the Republicans

   I thought 'sex tape' was just slang for duct tape

   I can't think of a worse feeling in the world than when you realize your Caprisun has no straw

   You think you know a guy, then you sleep with his girlfriend, and all of a sudden his true colors show

   Obama says the GOP would cripple the country if they won the presidency. Well, at this point being crippled would be an improvement. I'd rather be Christopher Reeve than Terry Schiavo

   Put Party Rock Anthem as my Alarm so I wake up shufflin..

   I have a toothache. Sorta. Some chick with loose teeth was giving me skull and bit me. There's a bicuspid implanted in my c*ck.