Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You wanna know how my day's going? I have a convertible and a bird, well, you know the rest.......................

   A pregnant prostitute went to a doctor and he asked, “Do you know who the father is?” She replied, “Well, if you ate a can of baked beans, do you know which one made you fart?”

   MAN RULE 102: No man shall describe another man as cute or handsome.

   Side-Chick-Text: “You just deleted my post on your Facebook wall. Why are you trying to hide me?”

   Seriously, Why the f*ck would you give somebody 244 years in prison?

   I need a guy to give me a hug and say " Sorry my whole gender sucks"

   MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

   ill show my neighbor where to stick his subwoofer, bass or whatever he has...ill turn the volume up all the way this time

   some @$$hole said I'm not a ppl person

   Today's sh!tty attitude is proudly sponsored by the alarm clock.

   seeing a women breast feeding is like seeing an eclipse, its rare, its beautiful... but what ever you do, dont stare at it...

   I didn't say it was the best sex I ever had,I said you did your best.

   You can't say 'Happiness' without saying 'Penis'

   What a tattoo on your face really means: "I've gone as far in society as I'd like to."

   Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it's gross?

   At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.

   I washed my car today, just so the birds could have a clean place to $hit...

   Whenever I'm driving and I see a baby stroller in someones trash I always think. Oh boy... someone f***ed up.

   It's like, okay, we get it, I'm a terrible driver and I almost murdered you with my car. Can I go get ice cream now?

   The only time it's cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you're playing Scrabble.