SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I can tell you something about rental cars...don't rent a Ford Focus if you like to go 90mph. I think I unfocused it.

   HOLIDAY PARTY TIP: If the mood's right under the mistletoe, don't be afraid to go in for a little mistlefinger.

   I'm the guy who spits his gum in the urinal.

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little sh!t.

   Don't give me that disdainful look like I just learned to eat with chopsticks. I've been misusing them this way for years!

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   Just held up an Etsy store. Made off with 37 woven hemp bracelets, a crappy candle and $1.54 in cash.

   I don't have much of a moral compass, but sometimes I still use a character map.

   It's hard to look at Clint Eastwood and not think we're descendants of really cool apes.

   "Days of Our Lives" could also be called "Men who dye their hair"

   Willie Nelson is 77, so would somebody please warn him that weed's the gateway to heroin before it's too late.

   Lost a lot of Xmas Manger characters, but 2 Wise Men and a He-Man will do.

   How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk.

   Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?

   My Holiday Lights Tour starts in 10 mins. Free booze and spraypaint. No cops! Seriously, if you're a cop you have to say so.

   Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"

   I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.

   Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?