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Blackberry must be a woman cause only a woman can ignore you for 3 days straight and then pretend nothing was wrong.. Next time I will buy a Louis Vuitton cover so she starts talking again.. :-) 
IPods: where 8 GB of memory really means 6.46.
Even though they have no use for them, guys would look kinda weird without nipples.
It seems like in movies, when they want a female to look older, they just cut her hair.
If somebody does a backflip, they automatically become a bada$$.
There are 7 billion people in this world, don't let one ruin your day.
A relationship is like standing on wet cement..The longer you stand the more difficult is to leave & even if you leave, you leave your footprints behind.
A woman interviewing me for a job, was hot, but a real b!tch. She goes, "Are you bi-lingual?" I didn't even want the job at this point, so I said, "Yes, I can lick ur pu$$y and ur a$$hole. "SECURITY!!!!"
Owls make good pets because they're always interested in your social life. You tell it "guess who I went to the movies with" and it always asks"who?"
It sucks whenever you hear a song you really like in public but you don't know the name of it.
"If you want to fly, you got to give up the sh*t that weighs you down!"
I don't know if I walked in to the wrong restroom, but it smells like fish in the men's room.
Yo facebook friends, My Blackberry's out so give me a wall.
If you like mine, I'll like yours. Status people...talking STATUS!
Note to self: thanks for always being there.
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Facebook should change it from "Friends" to "People I've made eye contact with".
I hear the "Occupy Wall Street" movement is headed to Las Vegas. Wow, seems like a pretty big gamble if you ask me.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
It appears my back was made for stabbing
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