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There's no difference between instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal & an oatmeal & raisin cookie so screw the system, I'm eating the cookie. 
I always feel tricked into exercise when I peel an orange.
Anyone mind if I invented a new letter to go between M and N?
It's hard to tell if someone's short email means they're mad or just busy. I always reply, "Thanks, C***face!" just in case.
All is not lost. It's just a little bit hard to keep track of.
I'd like to thank my ex for making me see how I shouldn't be treated
Why do the best-looking cars have the dumbest drivers?
With all these toys in the world, people choose "feelings" to play with.
Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.
Occupying Facebook...
A man asks a woman, "Can I buy you a drink?" She replies, "I don't drink, it's bad for my legs." He asks, "Do they swell?" Her reply: "No, they spread."
I trust you but that doesn't mean jealousy won't exist anymore.
Your/You're, Then/Than, To/Two/Too, Who's/Whose, There/Their.... Please learn the difference kids.You're our future.
My pharmacist mixed up my Valiuum prescription with Viaagra...It didn't help my anxiety much, but it gave me a great place to hang my hat! ツ
riding that train high on cocaine!
How do all these "as a busy mom" moms get time to record commercials?
I really hope my death certificate doesn't read "Buried Alive".
A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't run marathons
Save electricity!!! No point of turning the bathroom lights on if you're planning on just sitting there.
It's rained all week. I haven't been this disspointed since that first day of 1st grade when I learned there was no more nap time.
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