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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere. 
I was on the elevator with a maid and I BLASTED a fart. Moments like that make life worth living.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez isn't hot enough to be that much of an imbeciIe.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
When it comes to getting projects done I'm a real pro..............crastinator
"I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man
I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed. 