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If you don't stop wearing that much eyeliner someone is going to call animal control and report you as slutty raccoon on the loose. 
It seems like some people were born without a sense of humor
Bald people it's not ur fault, ur simply taller then ur hair
My wife watches cooking shows constantly, I don't get it because her cooking isn't any better. I'm sure she feels the same way about me and porn.
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, Nick, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something..
I'm not shy. I just don't like to talk when I have nothing meaningful to say.
"I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something." -Ron Swanson
I disagree with all the bad language in p0rnography nowadays, shouting all that rude stuff. Come on now, there are children watching!
Celebrity Ghost Stories are first hand experiences of celebrities who smoked crack.
My Solution to World Hunger: Unlimited breadsticks and salad at Olive Garden. Oprah, make your move...
You know you need sleep when you feel drunk without having actually had any alcohol.
Ugly People: There's only so much that photoshop can do.
I don't friend request someone just because they have a pretty face. I friend request them if they have a pretty face and big t*ts.
Lot of Cruz missiles being launched from DFW the past week...
Facebook stalking is lame. It also takes all the fun out of physical stalking.
Blessed are the young, For they shall inherit the National debt.
Just explained Twitter to my friend. I don't think I did it right, as he's excited to sign up.
If I ever have to pay FaceBook to see what my friends are up to, we will be meeting back at the bar!
Maybe if I look like i'm going to shoplift, I can get some help in the electronics section at Target.
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