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A lot of people assume when you laugh while texting someone, it's because what they said is funny. But in most cases, you're laughing at what YOU said because you're just that freaking hilarious. 
"You see your family whole year, holidays are for your bartender !!" - Moe Syzlak
It sucks when you're trick or treating and someone has a really long driveway that you actually took the time to walk up and they don't have candy.
What's longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage?... This status.
It makes no sense for a 911 operator to put you on hold: "911 please hold.""Ok, wait. Stop stabbing me for a sec." Murderer: "K"
They should make haunted houses with genuine fears. For example: Eviction notices at every corner, very important final exams that you didn't study for, pictures of your parents naked, etc.
"Rule #1 for surviving in Zombieland, CARDIO. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bast-ards."
zombies...when Theres no more room in hell the dead will walk the earth..
handing out safe Halloween treats this year...1 condom & sample sized KY Jelly
WIFE..is giving out free broom rides tonight
thinks its rather strange that all the parents he's seen trick or treating with their children tonight have all been lard a$$es.... Who SERIOUSLY wants the candy here??!
The kids are gonna be shtting themselves after trick or treating at my house tonight......Chocolate laxatives are the best.
my android battery last longer than kim kardashians marriage
Thought for the day . The most important letter in the world is U
hitting my " like " button makes you ten times more attractive
Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce. During this difficult time, the Kardashian family requests as much attention as possible.
So when does "Kris Humphries Nightmare Divorce" begin shooting?
While looking at porn, "Low Battery" appears . . .Challenge Accepted
If Satan punishes the evildoers, wouldn't that make him a good guy?
Imagine if those kids that built 'FROSTY' would of had 2 carrots that day.? 