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They should put a busy/engaged signal on the chat thingy so people can know I am already chatting to 10 other people. 
Most Fairy Tales begin with, "Once Upon a Time...” but mine starts with, "You ain't gonna believe this sh!t...”
wishes that OJ would have caught my ex wife eating Nicoles beaver instead of Ron Goldman
My girlfriend just told me she was going to break up with me if I didn't quit making Linkin Park references. but in the end it doesn't even matter
I hate when you friend request a hot chick, then they add you and you're going thru their pics only to find out they look like Rosie O'Donnell at 75 years old coming off a thirty day drinking binge.
Running around the office naked with the cat
If it's your birthday in November, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.
I wish I had a deity co-pilot. I don't even have an emergency contact.
I dressed up as a gynecologist for halloween. I was Dr. Howie Feltercooch
My Native American name would be "Tweets While Driving".
Hello there, dear. I see that you've dressed up as Daddy Issues again this year. Allow me to help...
When I think about snow, it's a lot like thinking about sex. I want to ride it, bask in its glory, & go down on it.
My girlfriend would be a great success on the Parole Board. She never lets anyone finish a sentence.
Anybody looking to trade some Nerds for a few Almond Joys?
Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.
Taking my tripwire down now, it was a blast watching tick or treaters faceplant on my porch!
It's trick OR treat, kid. Now pick a damn card!
A man stopped me in the street today and asked me the quickest way to a hospital, so I pushed him under a bus!
Ladies, you are delusional if you think you can give me a handjob better than I can.
Kris Humphries parents probably took him out Trick or Treating last night to get his mind off things. 