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..read this out loud ," I am we Todd did. I am sofa king we Todd did " 
911 gets a call from a blonde saying MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! the operator says calm down ma'am,how do we get to your house.the blonde says on your big red truck!
What's the difference between a young hooker and an old hooker? The young hooker uses Vaseline and an old hooker uses Poly-Grip.
The opinions of fools are generally foolish opinions
I was absolutely shocked to hear that Kim Kardashian Is getting divorced. In other breaking news.....We landed on the Moon!!!
When a girl calls you by the wrong name, that's just spontaneous role-play, right?
The voices in my head declined my friend request.
*finds out crush isn't at school today* "Damn, I wasted an outfit."
❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ I'm still awesome either way. So who cares?
Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bi*ch, eating those f*cking crackers like she owns the place!”
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
It's just as well money can't buy happiness. With prices what they are today, who could afford it anyway?
Facebook is going to start making high school reunions really awkward. “John! I haven't seen you in ten years! Wow, what have you been up to since that nap you took at 3 o'clock this afternoon?”
Friends are forever, until they are in relationship.
walking in the mall today..saw a kid with 4 lip rings..suddenly had an urge to hang a shower curtain.
Just bought the entire Yoko Ono collection on Itunes. I got the Itunes receipt and they credited me 1,000,000,000 free songs.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
We always want the best man to win an election, Unfortunately, he never runs.
It only took Kim Kardashian 72 days to realize that Kris Humphries wasn't black 