SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Bad News: On a test run last night, Santa was sucked into the engine of a Russian military jet & turned into red mist.

   I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of N'Synch.

   I have a thing for girls who have a thing for guys with a thing.

   No clue when this weed I found in my bathroom drawer is from, but based on these intense cravings for an Orange Julius, I'd say 1988 or so.

   Is there an Elf Yourself type eCard service for condolences?

   When people younger than me complain about getting old, I beat them to death with the agility of a much younger man.

   I'd actually be more excited to see an image of a grilled-cheese sandwich appear on a grilled-cheese sandwich.

   Why don't people throw all of their paperwork up in the air when they're frustrated, like they used to do in 80s movies? It feels great.

   Whoever said, "love conquers all" obviously wasn't very good with a gun.

   Sam Adams is the only reason I know what season it is.

   Mitt Romney proposed to bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. Or as its known in Republican circles, pocket change. Or 2 ½ hookers.

   Going to the stores and hiding nuggets of weed in nutcracker mouths is how I like to unleash social entropy during this time of year.

   Anybody else having trouble finding a Tebow jersey small enough to fit on their light-up baby Jesus?

   There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.

   Threesomes get super-awkward when the third person wakes up.

   My Roomba has seen too much.

   When it gets dark early, the universe dares the drunk within me to get started.

   It amazes me how all of these infomercials talk about different ways to make your pen!s larger, but they never mention just playing with it.

   All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”

   "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a great song if you're into festive celebrations of inexplicable marital infidelity.