Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put it.

   Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

   People don't seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.

   I love being the first one up in the morning, it gives me time to take all the toilet paper out of the bathrooms for ransom....

   I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night........ but I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand.

   I sent my girl to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later.

   Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.

   Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.

   I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.

   You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"

   Please stop picturing me naked... I haven't even brushed my teeth yet!

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   If she can string a sentence together while you are f*cking her, you're not doing it hard enough.

   My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

   So now if you tell a woman you want to eat her is she going to cover her face and scream?

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own.

   One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.

   If you wake up from a night of partying with no memory of the night before, Do 3 things; 1.) Count your money 2.) Get tested 3.) Stay the hell away from where you were drinking because you probably pissed someone off.

   When you realize you just clicked "Send" on a text to the wrong person, and you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.