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All these women dancing around with swiffers and vacuum cleaners ..having a blast ..sorry ladies no more crying about how hard you worked at cleaning the house.....I DONT BY IT...!!!! 
I'm going to open a store next to forever 21 and call it finally 22.
"Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" Yeah? "So is a grenade!"
"Aaaaaachhooo!" "Bless you.." "Aaacchhoooooo!" "Bless you!" "Aaaccchhoooooo!" "Dude what the hell?! youre jus pushing it now!"
"False information" spelled backwards is "False information"
Girl: Hey what's up? Boy: if I tell you would you sit on it?
When I'm walking in the dark I widen my eyes as if making them bigger will make me see better.
Got insomnia? May I suggest watching the CMA's.
Penguins don't give a flying phuck!
You need to borrow what? Some money? Nah, you broke people need to borrow a job.
if you type "no comment" in the comment bar that is in fact a comment.
Andy Rooney's college roommate/lifelong friend drops dead at the late legend's memorial service. BUT HE DID WIN THE BET!
"Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman
Hey there people who start dancing a little to the music playing at Starbucks. Can we talk about you not doing that anymore?
When cops respond to a domestic violence call & they hear Bob Seger coming from the house, they're like "Uh oh…"
A life without love is like a year without summer.
If I were homeless, I'd stand in front of other homeless dudes and hold a sign that says "He's lying."
Love is always giving more than you can spare.
I was categorized as being in beast mode but have since been downgraded to a tropical storm.
Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough 