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You know your poop was good if a few minutes after you flush, your toilet burps. 
I love gamers. While they are busy playing Call Of Duty, I am busy answering their girlfriend's call of duty.
CALL OF DUTY. Replacing girlfriends since 2003.
Don't confuse fame with success. Kim Kardashian is one; Mother Teresa is the other.
People now a days throw the word love around like its a goddamn frisbee! How are you going to start dating someone and 4 days later post how much you love them? B!tch you dont even know them!
We all have problems; mine are just more important than yours.
Good girls get presents, Naughty girls get money. - by Order of SANTA CLAUS.
Want to surprise your boyfriend? Introduce him to your girlfriend.
I can't wait to get outta work so I can log onto Facebook for the first time today. ;0)
Lean Cuisine: Because I like a snack before my real lunch.
before you post a tready status update about something like..I don't know....11:11 on 11/11/11 look to see if other people posted about it. If they did, its not original and don't bother.
Morning texts are for people you love, Midnight texts are for people you wanna f*ck
Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife.
Two chicks in one untagged Facebook profile picture? The account belongs to the ugly one.
At 11:11 AM and PM today. It will be 11-11-11 11 11 and that doesn't mean sh!t. Carry on with your day folks.
It's Friday, Saturday's less hungover neighbor.
Sorry for drunk texting you again last night. I assure you that I didn't mean what I said, unless you feel the same way
OK I made a wish at 11:11 , now its 11:12 still no midget house cleaners and Justin Beiber still has a career...what a crock
If you make a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 it will come true. Provided that your wish was to waste seconds of your life
Vodka is the drink of feelings. Whiskey is the drink of revenge against feelings. I'll take one of each, please.
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